4 reasons why you don’t like dancing with everyone
Have you ever experienced something like this? You dance with one person and you feel like every step you make is perfect, you are completely on your axis, everything fits, everything is connected. You think “wow I really know this, I am getting good at this.”
You take your next embrace and suddenly you can’t find your balance, every step is precarious and awkward, you keep bumping into your partner and the music isn’t even in your awareness.
And it might be that both of your partners are good, high level dancers.
You think to yourself “I suck! I can’t find my axis, there must be something wrong with me.”
I used to feel this way a lot. Especially when I was in Buenos Aires, especially when I sought validation from leaders and my confidence depended on their approval of me. If it didn’t work, it must be my fault. So one leader would criticize me for having too much of one thing, or too little of another thing. While another leader seemed to want to kiss the ground I walked on, I could do nothing wrong.
Does any of this sound familiar?
Well the good news is that there is nothing wrong with you, it’s a very common experience and it has very little to do with how good you are as a dancer. With some people you will just jive much more naturally than others. You can’t please everyone and not everyone is going to please you. No matter how advanced you might become, there will always be people in your social circle whom you like dancing with and those you do not. And that’s ok.
What I became interested in over the years is to observe what exactly makes me jive with certain people and what prevents it with others.
So over the years I have come to identify “4 categories of misalignment” that can impact my experience of a particular dancer:
Physical - every body has its own way that it likes to move. The particular movement patterns that a body prefers are dedicated by the body’s age, height, density, movement habits, etc. When you dance with someone whose movement habits are similar to yours, it’s like there is a clear line of communication between the two of you, like you are speaking the same language. But if you dance with someone whose mechanics are rather different from yours, it can feel disorienting and it seems like there is a lot of static in the air. You just can’t hear each other very well. The ultimate purpose of tango technique is to clear the static with as many people as possible, to learn to dial into as many bodies as possible. But, at the end of the day, there will ALWAYS be bodies that will move at odds with your body and you will find yourself not wanting to dance with that person. And guess what, that’s just fine. You don’t have to like to dance with everyone!
Musical - every person hears the music differently and most dancers believe themselves to be musical (including myself!). No matter the level of experience, I frequently hear dancers (primarily men) tell me that musicality is the most important element in their dance, that to them it’s ALL about the music. But then I watch them dance or I dance a tanda with them and I am astonished at how unmusical their lead feels. It’s not that they were lying, or that their musicality is broken, we are just hearing things differently! And just because it looks/feels unmusical to me, doesn’t mean that they are actually being unmusical. It just mean that I hear the music differently and prefer different musicality. And once again, it’s ok to choose not to dance with dancers whose musicality doesn’t jive with yours. (And if you do, you can suspend any judgement of your dance because you know that you just don’t dance well with this particular dancer.)
Philosophical - sometimes you might dance with someone who really values clean lines and sharp footwork while you could care less about that and it’s really all about the music for you. Other times you might dance with someone who only dances in a very traditional embrace and you prefer a more loose, nuevo style. To them you might seem “out of control,” and to you they might feel “boring.” This is one of the biggest contributing factors to which dancers end up being your favorite and which you tend to avoid. The important point here, once again, is that you are not supposed to be able to dance everything with everyone and enjoy all of it the same way. Everyone has their preferences and it’s good for every dancer to embrace their values and seek out dancers who resonate with those values. After all, dancing tango is for YOU, not for anyone else. So make it your own.
Cultural - tango is unique and universal at the same time. Every social tango dancer around the world dances the same moves, to the same music. But I have found that there are differences in the styling and execution of those moves depending on where the dancer is from. (The following observations are totally subjective but I am curious if you have had similar observations.) Italians dance differently from the French, and Russian dancers feel similar but different from Argentinian dancers. My personal favorite are Turkish dancers (when it comes to leaders). I famously say that I have never had a bad tanda with a Turkish dancer. But, when I have had the opportunity to dance with Italian dancers, I frequently had that experience of “wtf? Why does this feel so weird?” None of this is good or bad, just once again, pointing out another way that dancers can differ because of their different influences. Certain teachers become big in certain areas of the world and their methodology spreads and then you have a whole group of dancers that feel a certain way. So again, what is important is that we know that this is the case and we can accept that maybe we don’t like the style of dancing in France and we prefer to dance in Japan, or whatever. It’s YOUR preference, it’s your tango.
So the main takeaway I want to impart here is that there are so many reasons why your dance might feel good or bad and very few of them have to do with your actual level. It is rare for me to hear a dancer say “I am a really good dancer, I love the way I dance.” Most of the time dancers list their flaws and blame their technique for not being able to dance well. But, as you see, there are so many factors that shape our dance experience! My advice, notice who/what makes you feel REALLY good about yourself, gives you the most confidence, feels the most fun - and do more of that.
You have my permission to say no to anything less than that.
Do you want to work with me? I offer 1x1 and group sessions, online and in-person.