How to give feedback in tango
“May I offer you some feedback?” The most innocent 6 words you could ever read. But also the most triggering 6 words you might ever hear.
Tango. What could be more simple than walking with someone in an embrace? But when you start learning tango, you suddenly confront the reality that you actually don’t know how to walk, you don’t know how to stay upright, you don’t know why something is happening and why something is not happening… you are in the dark. The other person is typically in the dark also, unless it happens to be a teacher. It is a typical experience that as a beginner you are paired with another beginner and together you are like blind leading the blind.
It would be ok if all of us had the emotional maturity to assume a “beginner’s mind” stay “curious” and “playful.” If we could detach from the outcome and take the high road in times of confusion. It would be great if we all felt secure in ourselves and loved ourselves for exactly who we are and drew clear boundaries and had practiced forms of nonviolent communication so that we can successfully communicate with each other.
If we could do that, tango would be easy because we would not take it personally when our partner acted like “they know better,” or argue about petty things such as whose arm has more tension. We would speak up when appropriate and listen when needed. And all of tango would be a collaborative, fun, easy, playful learning journey with everyone respecting and loving each other.
Alas, this is not the reality and the true reflection of who we are comes up in that moment when you have to give or receive feedback.
How do you give feedback in a way that doesn’t hurt anybody’s feelings? That’s the million dollar question.
I have experienced a wide range of feedback over my dancing years and I see two polar opposite approaches. For the sake of calling them something, let’s call them yin and yang.
YANG:
I am back in Dallas for a visit after leaving a couple of years prior. I have been dancing for about 7 years at this point and have been to Buenos Aires twice - meaning, I’m not a newbie and my skill level is pretty good. I am invited to dance with a classic “young buck” kind of professional/teacher type who is new on the scene as is known for being a total asshole and making women cry on the dance floor. I was curious what he had to offer since he just spent 20 minutes sitting next to me berating every couple on the dance floor, describing in colorful detail what made their dance so awful. He was so sure of himself, of his judgments and opinions, I thought, maybe he’s right? So we start dancing and we are well into the second song when in the middle of the embrace he says “you can start dancing whenever you want.”
SHOCK
“Excuse me?!?!?!”… “how dare you? who do you think you are? do you know who I am?”… I spent the rest of the tanda thinking.
I did finish the tanda (I should have just walked away), but needless to say, I never danced with him again.
Funny enough though, years later, I understood what he meant, what he was pointing to and I sometimes find myself wanting to say something like that to someone else. But it was like he was delivering something subtle with the force of a blunt knife. It might have been true, but it wasn’t the time or the place to say it because I wasn’t ready to hear it.
YIN:
I am in Portland, I have been working with a dance partner for a while and we have terrible practice chemistry. Neither of us is open to feedback and both of us think we know better. We both try to deal with it by taking a gentler approach to our communication saying things like “may I offer you some feedback? Can we try something? I’m curious what would happen if you tried…” It sounds so much nicer right? Even as I write this I find myself approving of this approach, thinking it’s so much better, so much more wholesome.
But I tell ya, if I hear someone saying that, I feel a flash of rage surge across my body, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention. Suddenly I am frozen in preparation, I have my hand on the holster ready to draw my weapon. Every time I hear that kind of language I cringe because it feels like pretense, like camouflage, covering up the real thing.
So when he would say “may I offer you some feedback?” I would, of course, meet him with “well, actually, can I say something about your…?” And back on the rollercoaster we go.
Of course, looking back at a lot of those fights, I see his point, I agree with a lot of them, and I even find myself saying the same things to my students now. But back then, neither of us was capable of giving and receiving this information without conflict.
So, we are back to the million dollar question. How do you give feedback without hurting anyone’s feelings?
The short answer?
You can’t.
Ultimately, feelings are going to be hurt as part of the bumps and bruises of the learning process.
But what you CAN do is learn discernment and how to minimize the blow. This is not a full-proof method and I am still working out the details, but here is what I have found helpful:
Check yourself - what state of mind are you in when you are wanting to give feedback? Who is this feedback for? Is it really relevant and helpful in this moment? Are you trying to “fix” them? If your feedback is coming from a place of wanting to be right, to prove that you know better, to want to be superior to your partner - it will cause conflict no matter what kind of language you use. The best place to come from is kindness, the type of kindness you feel when you are a kid playing with your friend, building something and you’re trying to make something work together. Whatever language you use, your partner will feel the energy behind them and will be receptive.
State the thing in first person - using the word “you” can be triggering, especially when working with a new partner. So as much as possible I try to use phrases like “I feel like this is happening” or “I’m feeling a little bit of… when we do this move.” Your aim is to describe your experience without making a judgment about whose fault it is. Like, “I’m feeling a bit off my axis in this turn when we go into this step…”
Accept the consequence - this is the most important part of discernment and takes some time to develop. Once you state the thing in first person, it’s like an invitation and your partner has an opportunity to choose. They can agree to explore by asking questions like “why do you think that happens? Is it something I’m doing?” Then you proceed to share with them what you think is happening and making suggestions. You can say something like “I think it might be… can we try to do it this way?” or “I’m not sure but it feels like there is a little too much tension in your left arm…” And the dialogue proceeds from there.
However! If your partner immediately says “it’s because you are doing such and such wrong,” or “if you don’t like this, dance with someone else” (that one actually happened to me recently), then you know that they are not available for feedback. Do NOT argue with them, or try to point out how they are wrong, or pursue it any further. Instead, you are allowed to make the decision to not work with them anymore or not dance with them, whatever makes you feel empowered. You don’t have to keep trying to give feedback if they are not receptive and you DEFINITELY don’t want to waste your time working with someone who only gives you feedback and doesn’t take any themselves.
I know this is just the beginning of a much bigger conversation, because after all, how we receive feedback and what self-worth we attach to it is just as important. But for now… tell me, what are your feedback horror stories? I love hearing them. Share below or send me a private message.
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