Tango, body image & the struggle for self-esteem
“I wish for you to lose weight…”
A boy I liked wrote in this in my “wish journal.” Kind of like yearbook in the US, it was a popular fad among kids in my school in Russia at the time. You would get a journal and then pass it around to all of your friends who would write all sorts of happy wishes like “I wish for you to have a lot of fun, you are an awesome friend, I think you’re really cool…” Stuff like that.
It would take place during class, when we were done with our assignments. One person would pass theirs around and then others would do the same and we would occupy ourselves with this until the class was over. These journals were prized possessions, and I would read through mine on a daily basis… I so wanted to be liked.
So when I gave my journal to him, I was terrified, because I liked him so much, and I so wanted him to like me.
“I wish for you to lose weight…” It doesn’t have the same ring to it in English, the Russian version is a lot more blunt, like “you really should do something about this, it’s disgusting…”
I think I was about 11 at that point. I remember feeling a wave of heat and shame about my body. And my body issues only worsened with time. My paranoia about my body, how it looks, what it has, what it doesn’t, has dominated most of my waking life since those early teenage years. I know that’s not that unusual, most women relate to that on some level.
Even the women that I would never think have ANYTHING to complain about, do have a list of grievances about their bodies, whether it be the size of their nose, the shape of their knees, or the texture of their hair. There is no way around it, it’s built into us, and there is no real point arguing about it.
“I’m so fat”
“Are you kidding? That’s crazy! If YOU’RE fat, then what does that make me! I’m the one with the huge thighs!”
“NO WAY! Your thighs are amazing”
And so on.
We always see others as more perfect, convinced that we ourselves are lacking in some fundamental way. So we might silently compete with each other, or feel jealous, or intimidated, or insecure around each other because we perceive that they are in possession of the very things we are lacking.
Nowhere did all of this become as painfully obvious for me than in tango.
Imagine, that painfully awkward, not yet-grown up teenager turned adult with massive body issues, walks into a milonga in Buenos Aires full of the most beautiful, sexy, assertive women.
You know what I did? I left.
I gave up before even trying. I could not and would not believe that anybody would dance with me because I did not have any of these qualities that I saw in the other women.
But I went back the next night, and the next, and the next…
With time I caught on, like a young padawan I learned from my fears and insecurities, from the women who incited the deepest versions of them, from the men who revealed to me what they found attractive and what they sought in tango. I learned to look like a tango dancer, to dress, to walk, to act like a tango dancer. I learned to look hot, to be attractive, to be sexy.
But did it change the way I felt about my body? Did I stop sucking in my belly every time I took a photo? Did I stop secretly fishing for my reflection, anxiously checking whether my I looked fat? Did I stop cowering in the presence of a beautiful woman?
No. Sure I became more confident and learned to fight through the paranoia, but at my core I knew very well what I really thought about my body.
The real transformation didn’t start until I started leading because suddenly I wasn’t concerned with attracting the men anymore. Plus, once I started connecting with women and having deeper conversations I realized that I am not alone in this. Most of us have some sort of memories from our formative years that fuel a number of skewed beliefs about our bodies. Of course there is therapy for this, there are all sorts of meditations and affirmations that we can practice to deal and heal. It’s a daily practice.
But what I found to have the most profound impact for myself is to talk with other women, to admit to my fears, to let someone else in on the crazy that’s wreaking havoc in my brain. Sometimes there is just nothing more soothing that you can hear than “giiiirl, you’re trippin! Now let’s go shopping.”
And when it comes to being around beautiful women, I have made it a point to openly lavish them with whatever words of admiration I can come up with in the moment. The burst of excitement and disbelief that I frequently see on their faces is the prize.
As I near my 40th birthday, I am starting to experience a sort of truce with my body, and sometimes even loving it openly, even admitting to it out loud! (“How dare you?!”) And I even can laugh at the little thoughtless kid from my childhood. I mean what kind of an 11 year old thinks of writing something like that?
So what about you? What fears about your body have you faced on your tango journey? I wanna know. Comment below or message me privately at connect@imsotango.com
Want to work with me? Join my Chicas del Tango Online School & Community!