Dating a tango dancer…
My first piece of advice, don’t do it.
But if you do it, you better buckle up because romantic relationships in tango are either heaven or hell, not much in between, and hell dominating most of the time.
When people ask me what it’s like, I say “when it’s good, it’s the most amazing thing you have ever experienced, but when it’s bad, it’s the worst shit storm you could ever imagine…” I have had a lot of both, with countless treasures and battle scars to show for it.
Of course it’s a silly thing to advise - don’t date within tango… How could you NOT? Tango is such an intense intimate dance in the first place. Add to that its addictive quality and before you know it, you don’t know anyone outside of tango because every free moment is spent dancing it. And then once you’re in, can you imagine being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t dance it? I have heard stories of this working nicely for some people, so I know it’s possible. It’s just not what happened for me.
I got into tango in the first place because I was chasing a guy and he happened to dance tango. We dated for a few years and tango ended up being one of the things that broke us apart (typical story I know). I was too young and naive, as well as stubborn and immature. He had his own hangups and tango, while initially bringing us together, ended up exposing just how immature and unprepared we both were to be partners, in dance or in life.
If my next relationship were a movie, it was “Dirty Dancing.” In fact, because I loved that movie so much I think I manifested that storyline in my own life. I fell hard for this guy. Imagine the most romantic beginning to a relationship, it was like that. We met on the dance floor, and from the very first dance I was hooked. I remember parting our embrace after the first song, looking at his beautifully chiseled arm, thinking to myself “oh no…..” I was powerless, I felt like I was sliding down a slippery slope and I just had to let go. Our love was blissful, turbulent, painful, and towards the end, even violent. Tango was always at the center of it. Whether it was the daily arguments during practice, or the jealousy and drama that unfolded at the milonga. Tango bound us to each other while eating us alive. There was no separation between tango and love, my relationship to my partner WAS my tango and vice versa. I was consumed by it, chewed up into a pulp, and finally spit out, barely alive.
But were it not for that ultimate beating I lived through, I am certain I would not have met my current partner who is the reason I am writing this today. Also a dancer, we met at a milonga. It was the kind of meeting that you would barely remember, just in passing. And at the time, I wouldn’t even have thought of him as my type, I would have totally overlooked him, not registered him, if it were not for who I became by the time we met. I sometimes wonder, what would have happened if I had met him earlier in life. Nothing. Nothing would have happened because I would not have “seen” him.
This relationship has allowed me to reap the benefits of years of experience. Passion and recklessness have given way to patience and wisdom. And in that context, tango has become the salve, the medicine that serves to remind us of our love. There is little drama or jealousy, mostly just play and silliness. (If you’ve ever seen us dance you know what I’m talking about.)
And no, I’m not saying that it’s all roses and cherubim, there are definitely difficult moments, some that remind me of my previous relationships, some that teleport me back momentarily into the past and I find myself once again, flailing around like a chicken with its head cut off. But… having lived through all of it, having survived and learned from my mistakes, I have just enough discernment and wisdom to keep the peace, to nurture the love, to ask for forgiveness, to swallow my pride, to quiet my ego… because I know what’s at stake.
So here is how I see it now. Tango is like mirror of your innermost soul, your darkest secrets, your most vulnerable weaknesses. And dating another dancer magnifies and reflects back at you the truth about yourself. A lot of times, especially in the beginning, it can be very uncomfortable and difficult. (Like watching your partner flirt with someone else at the milonga). That’s the invitation to grow, to evolve, to become more empowered. If not accepted, it is a path to endless drama and self-destruction. (Like running out of the milonga in tears, vowing to never speak to them again, only to repeat the whole cycle over and over again. Been there, done that.)
There is no way around it, there is no shortcut, you might be an exception but it’s 99% probability that you aren’t. So buckle up and hold on!
My last piece of advice… get yourself some really trusty friends who can be there to hold your head when you’re sobbing on the doorstep, or reprimand you when you’re about to make a huge mistake. That’s really the biggest secret behind my success - support and advice from my friends along my very windy and crazy path (you know who you are).
So what about you? Have you experienced anything similar? What have you learned through your experience?
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