Are you too old to be a tango dancer?
“When I started tango I was in my 20s and fit, now I am in my 40s and fat, and I have become invisible…” she said to me when explaining why she was leaving tango. She is not the only one. I have had hundreds of conversations with other women over the years about getting less dances as they age.
Tango is supposed to be for everyone, of any age, of any physical appearance. At least that’s what we aspire to and that’s what we promote. But let’s go ahead and name that big fluffy white elephant in the room…
Ageism they call it and it goes like this: men prefer youth and beauty over skill and experience.
There, I said it… whew.
Now I am not saying it’s ALL men. There are definitely very welcome exceptions to the rule. But on the whole, the majority of men chase after the younger, hotter members of the opposite sex, regardless of their level of dancing. The longer the legs, the shorter the skirts, the better.
I remember sitting at La Viruta, waiting tanda after tanda, while a younger woman next to me got to dance with one hotshot leader after another. Obviously a beginner, she was so drunk that she could barely walk a straight line, while I, with all of my years of training under my belt, continued to watch her long legs stumbling around as leaders pulled her around the dance floor.
When I asked a milonguero friend of mine in Buenos Aires what I could do to get more dances, he advised me to wear shorter skirts. As I watched this young woman I couldn’t take my eyes off her crotch region because her skirt was so short that from time to time I could see her underwear. And I thought to myself, “that short? I have to wear that to get more dances?”
I am all for being daring and letting loose, after all, I have done the famous Naked Bike Ride in Portland 3 times (yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like, I rode naked with thousands of other people through the city). But wearing skirts that potentially expose my nether regions, making me an object of voyeurism while I’m dancing tango causes nothing but stress and anxiety.
(Side note: in one of my first performances I wore a dress with a slit that rode up too high and a thong - because god forbid I show any underwear lines through the dress. The dress rode up too high and in the video you can plainly see my ass cheeks literally hanging out at some points in the performance. Talking about you worst fear coming true. It’s good that I can laugh about it now :).
Men, of course, can get by very well with wearing jeans and a t-shirt to the milonga. Because guess what! Leaders are in short supply at most milongas (and most leaders are men). Whether you are in Los Angeles, Buenos Aires, or Berlin, women outnumber men at least 2 to 1 at most tango events. This makes men a hot commodity which makes us women competitive because we feel there is not enough to go around and we must fight for the attention of the few good leaders available. So we will say yes to a sweaty, smelly leader wearing a stained t-shirt and garlic on his breath because that’s the best we can get a lot of the time. It’s either that or sitting out another tanda.
I know most women in tango have experienced some kind of ageism at some point in their dance life. Whether it’s the younger dancers who struggle to be taken seriously and are only appreciated for their looks, or the older dancers who look on with sadness from the sidelines, wondering what’s wrong with them.
It is a bitter reality and of course we want to stomp our feet and cry out, demanding a change. There have been endless discussions and attempts by communities to suggest, convince, cajole men into acting differently.
But honestly, I think it’s better for us to pivot, let boys be boys (as they have been for thousands of years and will continue to be into the foreseeable future) while we focus on what we want for ourselves = good quality dancing, which we are more than qualified to provide for ourselves.
After all, making men the source of our fulfillment is something we choose and decide to do. Is it possible to have an amazing time dancing tango without relying on men to deliver it?
Is the earth round?
YES!
We women can dance with each other and solve SO many of the problems plaguing tango communities around the world.
When women start leading 5 BIG things happen in the tango communities:
Milongas are better attended because women have more fun
Women dance more frequently throughout the night = less women sitting at the tables waiting or worse, leaving the milonga
Raises the standard because now men have competition
Improves social etiquette and reduces occurrence of inappropriate conduct
Better floor craft and navigation
I often say that at the milonga, if women are not happy, nobody is happy. But I also say that we, ourselves, are the true source of our happiness. In the context of tango it means that we stop waiting for something or someone to change and take matters into our own hands. We decide not to be limited by history or tradition, we let go of insecurities about our age/size/ability/intelligence and we write a new story.
Honestly, I primarily dance with women at the milonga these days. Following and leading. It’s not because I have to, not because there are not enough good leaders, but because I prefer it. I have the most connected and fulfilling dances with women.
Among women there is no ageism.
If you are eager to get in the driver’s seat and learn the basics of leading in a safe and supportive environment filled with other beautiful and powerful women, check out my upcoming 6-week immersion course called Women Leading Tango.