Dear Tango, let’s redefine femininity
Defining femininity and what it means to be a woman has been a challenge for me for most of my life. Partially it’s the sign of the times we live in and few of us still find comfort in the traditional, long-standing beliefs about femininity.
The dainty damsel in distress being saved by a handsome prince.
The hot girl next door who always wears lip gloss and prefers to run down the street in 2in heels.
The perfect loving mother taking care of the house and putting her family first.
All of that feels a bit stale and outdated considering our current reality and our awareness of the steep gender inequality that we ourselves, mostly unknowingly, have been contributing to/supporting.
Even as an awkward 12-year old I knew I couldn’t be dainty no matter how hard I tried, and how much I wanted to fit in. Even as an adult I haven’t figured out the real use for lip gloss (your hair gets stuck in it and it rubs off on everything!) or how to walk in heels without excruciating pain (how did Carrie Bradshaw do it looking so effortless!). I have cats instead of kids for a reason and I prefer putting myself first most of the time, even though it might upset my family.
When I first started tango I went into it as a follower. I went into it with a strong desire to learn to be beautiful, to move gracefully, to feel confident, to be hot, to be admired - to get the admiration from men that a desirable woman would get. The equation was simple: the hotter I became = the more attention I got = the better I would feel about myself. But my resolve only lasted a short while because… I got bored!
It all got a bit stale and outdated. A box too small for everything that I wanted to experience. Sitting and waiting to be noticed, to be asked, being receptive, being a good follower just didn’t feel interesting anymore. I loved tango too much to quit and I knew I reached my potential as a follower so learning to lead was the obvious path.
When I started leading it was because that’s how I was going to keep dancing. I didn’t care that I didn’t know that much, or that I was mostly dancing with beginners, or that other leaders were giving me dirty looks or shaking their heads disapprovingly. I permanently retired my heels (4 years to date!), I stopped wearing the short skirts that had me constantly checking that my ass was not hanging out, I stopped resenting and competing with other women.
I realized that most men go to the milonga to dance with women. While I, as a woman, am just interested in dancing, period. It doesn’t matter what gender they are, the dancing part is what interests me.
I have only been on this journey for a few years so I can’t say that I fully understand what it means to be a woman but learning to lead has been the single most influential skill that I developed for redefining these ideas for myself.
Learning to lead did not make me “less feminine” or cause me to forget how to follow. On the contrary, it improved my body mechanics which led to more grace and confidence which made me more attractive to other dancers. In addition:
My following technique went to the next level (I get more dances as a follower now than I did before leading)
I now have so many more girlfriends which I LOVE because I spent so much of my life being afraid of and competitive with other women.
Men frequently ask me to lead them (and what a great experience for men to step into their receptive side!)
I have a much better understanding of the music and have been able to hone my own musicality and style to my liking
But most importantly, I don’t feel stuck anymore. I am continuing to grow and my dance continues to evolve as I practice both roles with a variety of partners.
Following teaches me to listen, to feel, to wait, to interpret, to receive. Leading teaches me to ground, to channel energy, to decide, to guide, to give, to express clearly.
I believe the new definition of femininity and womanhood comes from synthesizing these two complimentary modes of being. And social tango is where we get to experiment and test different definitions for ourselves.
Written by Yelizaveta Nersesova
If you are eager to get in the driver’s seat and learn the basics of leading in a safe and supportive environment filled with other beautiful and powerful women, check out my upcoming 6-week immersion course called Women Leading Tango.