Dancing Past Doubt: intimidation's role in shaping our story

Hey everybody, welcome back to another Tango Banter, a podcast about Tango and life and how the two are really not that different from each other, especially when it comes to relating to other people. All of the incredibly complex and challenging emotions that arise from just having to deal with being around abunch of people that you might not know, but you are expected to be very close and intimate with, of course, those emotions will come up.

Maybe this is why a lot of times Tango threatens people right off the bat. And a lot of people decide not to go there because it's a little bit overwhelming for sure. So here we are bantering about it. This is one way that I get to express some of my ideas.

and you can hear some more of my thoughts during my live banters that happen on Fridays inside my private Facebook group. So if you haven't had a choice, if you haven't had a chance to join those and you're interested and you're interested in joining, then check out the links that I provide in the show notes. You can also subscribe for my newsletter, which I send out every week with

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notifications about different travel things that happen in my life. And speaking of travel, I'll be traveling in the next few months and I would love to connect with you if our paths are going to be crossing at any events. You can check out my full itinerary on my website at IamSotango.com. So last week I had a conversation.

In my last episode, in my conversation with Stephen Aldaco, we discussed how there is a common denominator, a sort of similar space that you can feel whether you're dancing tango or you're sailing or you're doing ballet or modern.

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as dancers and artists of different kinds, we all know what it means to be in this sort of flow state. And tango has this very peculiar expression of it because you are doing it with another person. And it's very mysterious. It looks very strange to people who don't dance tango.

the biggest question is like, how do you know how do you know to do those steps? And it's a magical state. And there was this moment that Stephen connected that state to something that he experiences in solo dancing, because I, I could see the connection between sailing and tango, which if you

haven't heard the episode, I hope you do, because it was just such a great metaphor and such great imagery that he provided. But he drew this real connection that when you're sailing, you are interacting with the wind, you are in this relationship between you and the boat and the wind. And when you're dancing tango, you're in this relationship between you, the music and your partner. So I asked him what was

the relationship that he was exploring within solo dancing, what was the equivalent? And he said that whenever he would go on stage and have to perform, he would count. And the counting that he was doing was something that he did throughout the preparation. So it became this meditative tool that when he would go out on the stage, he would just go into this mode of counting.

And as I listened to him, I suddenly realized that this is something that I'm really intimidated by because I really believe that I'm not capable of memorizing choreography. And I do know that a lot of dancers feel the same as I do. Even in my conversation with Horacio Godoy, he said that he never choreographs because he doesn't...

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remember choreography. So I've always been sort of hesitant to even go there. I I've thought about going to some solo dance classes recently, but my few experiences in those classes have always been so uncomfortable because I just feel like I'm not good at it. And I just

I guess I hadn't stuck with it long enough to maybe get to the level that Stephen was talking about. But suddenly it sort of dawned on me that, oh, well, if it's the same state and it's easy for me to understand it on the level of tango and on the level of sailing and I, and my mind can jump that bridge or my mind can

take that leap and understand the connection, then perhaps my hesitation, my reluctance to believe that I can actually do it is just a belief that there's no actual truth to it, that if I really wanted to, I could, right? Because I know this. I know I understand this state. I've been in it in different ways.

It's a little bit of a metaphysical topic today. And, you know, I'm taking a leap here. So I don't expect this to be a very scientifically researched and rigorously thought out banter, but it sort of sent me on a journey of thinking about the things that intimidate us in general. And in tango, there's plenty of that.

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And here I want to really define what I mean by things that intimidate us because there's plenty of things that we don't care about. If somebody comes to me and they talk about how they're really passionate about skateboarding, I might be interested in it for a few minutes and admire their skill or maybe I'll appreciate watching them or something.

I don't feel this feeling inside myself of like, oh man, I wish I could do that. But then there are things for me that are like that. And I know that there are things like that for other people because I hear people say things like, oh, I could never do X. That's a very common thing that people say. And they say that about tango frequently, right? If I...

If you talk to anyone outside of tango, they might say, I could never do that, right? Even though they might want to.

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So things that we are drawn to and we wish we could do, but we somehow believe we cannot. And maybe we even have very good reasons for why we can't, but we still want to. So the intimidation is there as this tension, this friction that we have, which for me,

expresses itself in jealousy. You know, if I look at someone and they're doing something in a way that I wish I could, or they have something that I wish I could, but there's a belief in me that I somehow do not deserve or I'm not capable of doing it, that is the feeling of being intimidated to me.

Now, of course, there's also like being intimidated by other people. And I'm not talking about that particular aspect of it. I'm more talking about that when we have desires to do something or accomplish something, and then we feel this obstacle, this wall that says to us, absolutely not, you cannot do that.

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And I'll give you some examples because, you know, for some women, it's leading. You know, some women are just like, no, I just don't have the talent for it. I can't do it. And there's a difference here. There are some women that tell me they don't want to lead because they just don't like the process of leading. There's nothing that attracts them.

to it. And they really prefer following. That's different. For many women, they do want to lead. It's an interesting concept. It's scary to them. It's fascinating. But they'll say something like, well, first, I need to master following or first I need to do X. I'm just a beginner. There's no way it's inappropriate for me right now to start leading. So it's like they have the desire.

but there's some sort of a boundary there that's set up that says, unless something else is in place, I can't do this, right? And so there's that feeling of being intimidated because the thing is too big, it's too advanced, it's too far off, like not ready for it, you know? For a lot of men, I've noticed a lot that has to do with creativity. You know, a lot of men...

I've heard comment that they can't be creative. Oh, I can't draw, I can't paint. There's a lot of belief that they're not capable of doing that. And I decided to make a list of all the things I've heard people say that I can't do, right? And drawing and painting is a big one. When I...

was a full-time artist living in Texas, and my whole life was about going to art events and talking about art and selling my art. So I would talk to a lot of people who were not artists, and they would so frequently comment on how they cannot draw a stick figure, you know, or that they're somehow stunted. And it's to the level that they...

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believe that there's some sort of a defect that nobody else has. Another thing that people say that about is yoga. That's a big one. And this actually is even among dancers. I hear this. People say, oh no, I tried yoga. I could never do yoga. I'm not flexible enough. Of course, you know, we all know.

That's why you do yoga. You do yoga because you wanna get flexible. Let's start there. But a more interesting thing to realize is that yoga is just a system of movement the way tango is. And if you can do tango, you can do yoga because it's the same skill set, just a different shape of it. And for many people, they just...

they can't believe that they can't believe that they could do yoga. My sister didn't believe that she could do yoga. When I was first getting into yoga, we laugh about it because she's a few years behind me. I'm the trendsetter in the family and then she follows along. So for many years, I was talking up and down about the benefits of yoga and she was just not into it. And she would just say like, no, I can't do it. I can't do it. My mind is too racy. I can't...

You know, I can't calm down. And she believed yoga was all about just holding poses for a long time and being meditative. Eventually, you know, she realized that that's not the case. There's all these different kinds of yoga. And now she's a believer. She's a convert, but that's such a common story for people to say that, that they're, they can't do yoga or whatever else that they've heard about.

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So another one that people have a lot of intimidation about is meditation. Meditation by far causes a lot of anxiety for people. And anytime I've talked about meditation, most of the time people will say, you know, I'll tell you, I just, I have this thing that like, I can't stop my thoughts.

You know, like I have this thing where I like, I can't stop my thoughts. And they'll say it in this way that really conveys that they believe something's wrong with them. They think that I can meditate because I can stop my thoughts and that somehow they're missing a little gear in their brain that allows them to stop their thoughts. You know? So that's another one, meditation.

people are very intimidated by meditation and what it means and how to do it and what are the you're doing it right and are you supposed to do it sitting down or lying down or which time of day is best like there's just so much misinformation and confusion around it so it's really understandable. Some other things that I've been intimidated by and other people too are things like running

I used to be really scared of running because every time I ran, I would have that stitch on the side. I could not run without being in complete and utter agony. For years, I just thought, I can't run. I'm just not a runner. Now I run.

disclaimer, I do run and I'm not really I don't need to like talk about how that happened, but it was this journey of me first realizing that I believe that about myself, that I'm like, I really have this, this thought in my head that I cannot do that. And that was driving so much of how I felt about myself and about running and my relationship to running.

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I think creates a lot of intimidation for people. I know for me, I have been doing yoga for many years, but recently I've gotten into strength training and I really didn't want to. I was so intimidated by it because every time that I would hear advice or read some article about fitness, it seemed like so over the top. And I was like, there's no way I can commit to this much.

exercise. But it was really just about me finding the correct exercise for myself. And that was the big epiphany a lot of times for me in all of my journey through facing intimidating prospects. It was like just looking for that right fit of like, what is it that's going to allow me to learn this or to understand this?

because I really can understand and learn anything. At this point, I know that. I know that about myself. I know that about everyone. Everybody is capable of that. I know that might be an overly optimistic viewpoint on life. But I do believe that our brains and our neurology is meant for learning. It's designed to learn new skills. And just from spending some time listening

uh, Andrew Huberman's podcast. I'm more convinced of this now than I was before. So, um, my last thing that I'll notice for myself, and maybe, you know, you share this as I've been very intimidated about writing and even though I've write a lot, you guys know, I put out so much content and I've been for years. I've been writing blogs and writing, you know, for the podcast and writing on my social media.

but I have such a feeling of intimidation around it. And it's just so interesting that it's there still, even though I do all this writing. And I've heard other people also share that fear that they're not capable of writing or expressing themselves. So just a sampling of things that really...

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gets people feeling intimidated. I'm sure there are so many more. And I wanna share my personal experience with one that I kind of had a breakthrough with recently. And maybe that's why I wanted to do this episode because I want to share a win. So I've been really into the idea of roller skating for a long time. Those of you who know me,

Uh, I've been talking about it and sharing it. And I bought myself a really nice pair of roller skates a few years ago, like during COVID and I've had this goal of learning to roller skate. And I've had so much intimidation about this. I go to Sunday.

a roller skating event on Venice Beach. Sometimes I bike over there and I watch all these people roller skate. I'm like, how in the world are they doing this? They look so cool. They look like they have so much ease in their body. Like they've been doing it for forever. They were born doing. They were born with skates on their feet. That's like what I perceive, right? And so I've been really wanting to be one of those people.

And every time that I would go to roller skate, I just would have the most uncomfortable anxiety and fear and it's not easy. I'm not getting it. And it's been a few years, you know, it's been a few years. And eventually, you know, I was just like, you know, maybe I just can't do it. I just can't do it. It's not for me. Like I'm, I'm not meant to roller skate.

So I put down my roller skates and was like, you know what, if I have to sell these roller skates, it's fine, I'll move on with my life. But it just so happened the other day that my friend was in town and she invited me to go to a roller rink. And I was like, I don't know if I wanna go.

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I kind of need to do this and I have this to do and my day and blah, blah. And I was just like, I don't know, but there was this voice inside of me like, look, this is what you've been wanting. So here's an opportunity, just go with it. And I'm so glad I did because I was right. The moment I walked into this space, which is this little roller rink far away from where I live.

I felt so at home. First of all, it was full of kids. It was full of kids. Nobody was like super amazing. Everybody was a beginner almost. Like there was a few people who knew what they were doing, but most people were beginners. And the atmosphere was just so relaxed. And

So I automatically, I just felt more comfortable and I was so glad that I went right away, which I always come back to this idea of like the space matters. When you walk into a space that really jives with who you are, oh, it's just such a rare thing these days. Sometimes I guess, sometimes it's not, but for roller skating for sure, every time I go to a roller skating rink or an event, I just feel so overwhelmed. And I'm sure that's how new people who come to Tango feel.

You know, they go to Friday and I'm along to somewhere and it's a zoo, you know? And that's how I feel going to some Wednesday night at a big roller rink where there's a bunch of people who are doing these amazing flips and they're going a thousand miles an hour next to you. You're like trying to stay upright and it's too intimidating. So this place was exactly what I needed. So that was a lesson right there. I clocked it. I was like,

from now on, anytime that I wanna learn something, if I decide to do it, instead of feeling all intimidated, think to yourself, all right, what is it exactly that you need? What's your entry level that you need to actually do the thing? And the entry level needs to be like super comfy, friendly, just really has to work with who you are and where you're at, right? And it's out there for everything. I think that's out there.

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Okay, so I got there and I start roller skating. And at first I'm, you know, sort of kind of getting into it and I'm doing it and I'm a little nervous, but the whole thing was about two hours or so. By the second hours I was doing it, I just suddenly went into this mode and I found this magical place of just feeling.

my body align perfectly. And I felt that I couldn't do it perfectly because it's new to me. But I felt it in my body what it means to do it in a way that's easy. And here, I once again was reminded of my conversation with Steven, of this feeling of locking into some sort of flow. So it was this new activity that for many years now, I've been

kind of locked up about it, intimidated by it, I can't do it, I can't do it. And then there's this set of circumstances that makes me lock into something very specific where I have this experience. And suddenly I feel the flow and it's that same flow that you might feel if you're in meditation, or if you're into swimming out in the ocean, or you're into running.

or you're into biking, like whatever activity that you might choose that acts that gives you that access to that flow state. Here it was that same state, just in a different form. And it did feel like I could just be there. I could just keep cruising and feeling my body ride this wave. And it was a very beautiful experience.

And I would have missed out if I didn't say yes to that opportunity to go with my friends. So I'm really glad that I said yes, because I really was sort of giving up for sure.

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So it got me thinking about this little idea, which I would love for you to entertain and maybe share some thoughts on. And that is, it seems to me the things that really annoy us if we can't do them, like the things that were kind of there and you're watching and you really wish you could do it, but you're not doing it because you don't think you could do it.

those things. The more annoying they feel, the more likely you're supposed to do them. The more likely you're actually good at them. I don't know if it applies to everyone. This is just a common denominator I've observed for myself as an adult, not as a kid, because I think as kids, we don't have that awareness.

So as kids, when we are introduced with something new, it's just like, oh, it's new, but okay, we're just gonna go there. We don't have any sort of choice. But as adults, we do. So in my own perpetual desire to stay fresh and...

stay fresh and continue growing and learning. This is what I'm noticing, that the things that are the most intimidating to me, that scare me the most, a lot of times turn out to be things that I'm really good at. Now, one thing that really is like that, you all know, is this podcast, because...

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You know, people have been asking me about my social media activity and how do I feel about putting myself out there so much and whether that was hard. Because I think people think that it's just something that happens naturally for me and I just do it, you know, without really suffering that much. But you know, I was so intimidated.

going into this world of podcasting and social media content creation. And I still am I feel I feel extremely intimidated by this whole world, even though I give off a sense of ease. Because there is a natural ease I have about it, there's a knack for it that I have. But on the inside,

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But on the inside, I'm really freaked out a lot of times. And I feel like for many of us, we're sort of waiting for that moment when we don't feel that. I know dancers speak in those ways too. Like they think there'll be a point where you just don't feel the fear. You don't feel the nasty things, the negative emotions, the fears. But it really seems like

we actually need to lean into it more if we feel that way about something. So it's got me thinking about my journey and my commitments to the different things. For example, the fact that still for years now, I've been thinking about going to this solo dance class that's within walking distance from my house. I've been wanting to do it for years and I haven't because I have this belief that I cannot

remember choreography. Like I just, I've decided this and I've believed this for so long. But every time I pass by that studio and I see people in there, I'm like, Oh, I wish I could do that. So maybe this banter is my opportunity to commit to actually facing that intimidating thing and trying it out. Not that I haven't done that enough. I do it all the time. I know. And this is just another thing, but

That's what I'm about, I guess. Because I just think it's so cool to learn stuff, I guess. Yeah. Anyway, I don't have much more to share on this topic, but you can hold me to it. I will give it a try. I've noticed if I share on social media that I'm doing something, I'm much more likely to do it. So here I am cornering myself.

I'll report back to you in a little while to see if I have a day. And let's see if I actually do it. Thanks for joining me for this short and sweet little banter. Would love to hear from you. Would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. What is it for you that you have been intimidated by and maybe you'll give it a try. If you want to share that with me as a way of cornering yourself into doing it.

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Maybe it's not something profound, not something big, but maybe it's just you pushing out of your shell and going up and talking with someone that you've been really intimidated by at the Malanga. Or maybe it's you dressing up in a particular way that you've been wanting to, but you've been too shy or too scared of something. Any of those really do count. So let me know if there's something that you're going to try out.

I hope you join me for next week's banter because I am doing another interview. And this time my guest is one of my original students in my chicas del tango practica that I started two years ago. And Sarah Pettit is one of the most fascinating women I've ever met. And it's a delight to catch her for banter because

This woman is in a different part of the world every time I talk to her. Please join me next week for another riveting banter until then have a great rest of your week. Ciao.